Monthly Archives: September 2014

Still Breathing!

Hey, just thought I’d write a quick note to let you all know I’m still breathing!  (Not always very well, since apparently the pollen index is beyond ridiculous this year, but still breathing just the same! :P)  I’ve been spending my good days unpacking and organizing as much as I can.  I will probably start sharing about my health stuff more publicly in the not-too-distant future, since it’s affecting my everyday life a lot more than when I first started this blog.  But I’m still trying to figure out when and how I want to do that.

I’m going to try to do a love/hate update in the next few days.  Happy Tuesday, everyone! 🙂

Positive Changes I’ve Noticed After Leaving Destructive Church Environments

By now it’s not exactly a state secret that church and I have had a bit of a bumpy ride this year. As I said before, a church I was involved with had a very ugly church politics situation that people on both sides of the issue handled poorly. (And that’s the nice way of putting it.) Combine that with leaving a cult-like church about five years ago and I really needed a church detox. I have not attended any church services at all this calendar year, and it’s been a very healing experience.

Several people have told me that I need to come to their church because their church is “different.” I have to be honest: right now, no church is “different” enough to be worth my time. I am the westernized, Americanized church’s worst nightmare. I’m an introvert. I don’t vote Republican. I have friends of all backgrounds and beliefs. I have friends who identify as GLBT. I give smaller amounts of money to charity quietly instead of bragging about giving large amounts. I believe in vaccines unless there is a legitimate medical reason to avoid certain ones. I wouldn’t say I’m a hard-core pacifist but I’m not thrilled with how our country has handled military involvement from Vietnam onward. I absolutely believe that heaven and hell are real, in this life as well as the next, but I have issues with evangelism since I can’t make anyone believe anything before they are ready. I believe that toxic, manipulative people are a bigger danger to me than the “spreading” of Islam in America. The stigma against chronic physical and mental illness in the church needs to go, and it needs to go now. All of these viewpoints make up who I am, and they are not acceptable in most churches today.

If anyone at your church would berate me for any of these things, I’m sorry, your church is not “different” enough for me. That is the truth, and it is my decision to make, not yours.

Now that I’ve explained why church and I need a good long break, I want to share some of the positive changes I’ve noticed after leaving destructive church environments:

1.) I’m starting to own my own spirituality. I read books and listen to teachings when I sense there’s something in them I need, not when someone demands that I do it.

2.) I can actually answer when people ask me what my favorite food or my favorite color is. For years I couldn’t, because I have been told that it’s sinful and selfish to have a favorite food or favorite color when there were children starving in Africa. (Again with the over-focus on Africa when there are children starving in the US!)

3.) I don’t feel like a piece of crap 24/7. I’m not constantly trying to work harder at being a better person, and I actually have more energy to work on the character issues that are legitimate problems.

4.) I am becoming a nicer person. I actually listen to people now. I suppose it helps that I’m finally surrounded by people who actually listen to me.

5.) I have more time and more energy now that I’m not in tons of studies and small groups. Permanently quitting both was seriously the best decision I ever made.

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I have been exploring Messianism and we are going to check out a Messianic congregation sometime soon. I’m hoping to go to at least one of their Rosh Hashanah services, health permitting. Messianism has had tons of positive effects on my spirituality. It doesn’t feel like the right time to write about that, but once that changes, I will make a list of reasons I am falling in love with Messianism.

General Update

Hi everyone! Sorry I’ve been amiss. Between moving and health stuff, I have been bonkers busy lately. I don’t have a lot of brain power right now, but I wanted to give you a quick update. So here’s the latest in a nutshell:

-I’m surrounded by boxes. I think every box in the tri-county area is currently in my house. I may be short on time and energy, but one thing I am most certainly not short on is boxes. Did I mention there are a lot of boxes here?

-health-wise things haven’t been fun. I’m trying to decide how much I want to share on my blog, but it’s been a bumpy ride lately. People may think I’m too lazy, not spiritual enough, blah blah blah, but the truth is, I’m sick and tired, and I did nothing to deserve it. It just happened. Not only am I sick and tired, but I’m getting really sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s not permanent, but it’s here now, it’s real, and it’s not fun.

-One big difference between houses and apartments is stairs (insert totally called-for “duh” here!). This was a big shock to our senior kitty Esther, who had been a stray for most of her life before we adopted her two years ago. She did not know what in the world to make of this stair business. Watching her try to navigate the stairs for the first time was hilarious. She had this look on her face like “Umm, okay, I have NO idea if I’m doing this right!”

-For awhile now I have not been able to listen to most Christian music without getting panic attacks. I’m falling in love with Jewish worship music because I can listen to it without feeling like crap.  I don’t feel guilt or condemnation.  There is just peace, wholeness, and a sense of connection with G-d.  I associate Christian music with all the destructive and hurtful things people have said and done. I wish more people would check their attitudes and words on a regular basis and cut it the eff out if they start engaging in any behaviors that can make churches unsafe places for other people.

Okay, that’s about all I have energy for right now. I will try to keep blogging as much as I can, but with health issues being what they are, my presence on here might get scarce for a few weeks.