Tag Archives: healing

Fear and Doctor Visits

It’s 2016.  I graduated from high school 10 years ago.  My brain doesn’t know what to do with that.  But I digress.

I saw the fibro doc yesterday.  I have to be honest: doctor’s appointments make me pretty anxious these days.  It’s not like I’m terrified of needles or anything like that.  At this point I’m so used to them that they’re no more painful than bug bites.  (It probably helps that the Great Vein Explosion of ’15 toughened me up a bit!) It’s more about the lack of control over my body.  Doctor’s appointments feel like a big neon sign that says, “Ha ha!  Look at her!  Her body’s broken!”  I’ve always felt different.  Hearing aids, being learning disabled, and wearing modest clothing in a world of Victoria’s Secret models will do that to a person.  But I am so used to those differences by now, and they’re either positive or neutral.  I have yet to find anything positive about having a body that doesn’t feel like bodying.  Everyone my age is getting married, having babies, going back to school, getting promoted, and I’m over here jumping for joy because I successfully walked backwards in my last PT session.

I also hate doctor’s appointments because I am just so sick of medical stuff in general.  At least it’s better than when I was on Lupron in that I actually have energy for a handful of non-medical activities.  I had to stop watching “Call the Midwife”.  When I’m not actually in a clinic or hospital, I don’t want to be thinking about that stuff, if that makes any sense.

I struggled with anxiety long before my body copped an attitude.  Frankly, most of my loved ones were well-intentioned but completely misguided when it came to helping me manage my anxiety.  People think telling an anxious person that there’s “nothing to be afraid of” is a good idea, but in reality it will backfire every time.  In my situation, there are plenty of legitimate concerns.  You can’t tell me I have nothing to be afraid of.  It’s not about pretending you don’t have fears.  It’s about looking at them and saying ,”Okay, what can I reasonably do to prevent this?”  I let go of fearful thoughts a lot quicker when I have the freedom to express them and let them go.

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Love/Hate Update

Love:

-yoga routines designed specifically for back pain

-figuring out how to get the blooming laundry up the blooming stairs independently.  Just being honest here!  Anyone with any kind of mobility issues knows what I’m talking about!

-warmer weather

-text chats with my sister in which we debate on whether or not vultures are gross and unnecessary.  (I lost one, by the way.  My claim that all the vultures in Disney movies are creepy did not stand up to the fact that my sister has a biologist friend who is studying vultures.)

Hate:

-pollen.  Been hanging out in Hotel Yellow Zone a lot lately.  The asthma doc said it’s going to be a rough summer allergies/asthma-wise.  She wasn’t kidding!  Oy.

-Benadryl tablets.  Is it just me, or are they the most unnatural shade of pink ever?  Seriously, they look like they’re radioactive.

-how often I read about spiritual abuse these days.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that more people are being brave and telling their stories.  But said stories never should have happened in the first place.

-when people deny the existence of spiritual abuse out of sheer arrogance and stupidity

-how difficult it can be to form meaningful relationships after being in toxic church environments

Life Lessons I Learned in 2014

Instead of making a bunch of resolutions that’ll get ditched sometime in mid-January, I decided to celebrate the personal growth that’s happened this past year.  I’m ten times stronger and more mature than I was a year ago.  So without further ado, here is my list of things I’ve learned this past year:

1.) loving other people and being their slave are not the same thing.

2.) Self-love is not selfish.  (I want to throttle every professing Christian who has ever implied otherwise.)

3.) Life is better with a little color in it.

4.)  You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, so you might as well chill out and stop trying to please everyone.

5.)  Unfortunate life events are not some kind of divine punishment.  Sometimes crap just happens and no one knows why.

6.)  Life is better with a little less TV and a little more music.

7.)  Pilates may not be a cure-all, but it sure helps

8.)  Fleece pants, Disney movies, and teddy bears solve any problem.  (Yes I am coming up on the 7th anniversary of my 20th birthday and i have a teddy bear.  Deal with it.)

9.)  Putting value judgments on your emotions is asking for disaster

10.)  Failure to put the lid all the way on the blender will, in fact, result in an explosion just like on TV.  Apparently they weren’t making that one up!

11.)  Whoever you are, wherever you are, you have something valuable to give the world whether you realize it or not.  In the words of Fred Rogers, “There’s not another person in this whole world like you.”

I hope everyone has a safe and happy new year, and I’ll be back in 2015! 🙂