Tag Archives: humor

Love/Hate/Interesting Update 3.27.17

I know it’s been ages since the last time I blogged about anything.  My personal life is going to get a lot crazier before it gets calmer.  Eventually I might write about some of the stuff going on when I feel like it’s the right time, but right now I need to deal with everything in private.  Thanks for your understanding!

Some days I have roughly the thinking capacity of a Marshmallow Peep, so I thought doing a Love/Hate update would be a good way to tiptoe back into blogging.  I’m also going to start adding an “Interesting” category to these updates for random tidbits that don’t fit into the “Love” or “Hate” categories.


-My service dog Vegas!  I just realized I haven’t written about him at all, so here’s the official announcement: I GOT MY SERVICE DOG!!!!  His name is Vegas and he’s a two-year-old English chocolate lab (so basically an American lab that looks like it shrunk in the dryer).  I’ll do a longer post about him complete with photos once I have the proverbial ducks somewhat superglued into a row.

-Chocolate. I’m female, it’s delicious.  Need I say more?

-Parks and Recreation.  There is no such thing as seeing this show too many times.  Leslie Knope would make an awesome president!



-The horrifically large amount of bullshit that is out there, both on the internet and in general.  In the words of Scar from “Lion King”, I’m surrounded by idiots.  It’s getting old, to put it nicely.



So apparently eyes can get freckles!  I finally quit putting off going to the eye doc, where I learned that one of my eyes has a freckle.  I didn’t even know eyeball freckles were a thing, but apparently they are.  (Side note: Eyeballs look like Mars in photos. Just saying.)  The freckle doesn’t have any feeder vessels, so they know it’s not a tumor.  (I mention that because I totally heard “It doesn’t have any feet or vessels”! 😛 LOL)

Okay, that’s it for today!  If you have any questions about service dogs you’d like me to answer, leave them in the comments, and I’ll address them in a future blog post or vlog!


BEDS Day 7: An adult-sized child

I decided to make a list of things that solve any problem and just generally make me feel a little less craptastic when life is hell-bent on giving me the middle finger.  I realized that I’m basically an adult-sized child, haha!

Here’s my list:

1.) Disney movies

2.)  Legos.  Don’t judge me :p

3.) Coloring.  I repeat my statement about not judging :p

4.) Stuffed animals

5.) Cats

6.) Snuggly blankets

7.) Ice cream

8.) Chocolate

9.) chocolate ice cream

10.) Plaintain chips.  I thought they would be gross since they are such a hippie food but they are amazing.  Plus, now that I have POTS there is no such thing as too much salt, so it works!

11.)  The Golden Girls.  I thought it would be absolutely not my kind of show, but I love it more than I care to admit.  I also think like Dorothy more than I care to admit :p

I’ll be back with day 8 as soon as I can!  (Still catching up on posts and life in general after my body gave me the business end of a hissyfit.)


BEDS Day 6: Rules My Cat Lives By

Sorry for the unintentional break from BEDS posts.  A huge part of chronic illness management is listening to your body, and my body was sending me frantic memos along the lines of “Don’t even think about turning on the computer today!”  But I’m feeling somewhat better today, and I’m going to write three more posts to get caught up to Day 8 as soon as I can.

Today I thought I’d write about my cat.  Esther is 15 and definitely acts like a teenager.  She’s perfectly flexible as long as everything is exactly the way she wants it.  (What Do You Mean That Reminds You of Someone? :p)  She was a stray before we got her from a shelter, and in some ways she acts a bit more feral than most domestic cats.  She hates canned cat food and brightly colored cat toys.  The hubs and I assume this is because those aren’t exactly natural and she’s not used to them.  When she needs pills, the hubs and I have to mash them up in tuna because that is the closest to canned food that she will eat.

I thought it would be funny to write a list of rules Esther lives by, since the Internet is extremely short on cat humor and all :p.  Here goes!

1.)  My butt belongs in Mommy’s face.  The more she tries to get my butt out of her face, the more it needs to be there.

2.)  If the humans get out ice cream or organic jerky, immediately throw personal boundaries out the window!

3.)  Never use the $35 cat bed under any circumstances.

4.) Go crazy whenever a plastic bag makes a noise, because the only reason humans should open a plastic bag is to give me treats!

5.)  Play with electric cords, especially when they’re plugged in.

6.)  Howl loudly when the humans refuse to open the glass patio door.

7.)  Growl fiercely at heavy snow.  It has no business being here!

8.)  Growl fiercely and flatten ears at organ music on TV or YouTube.

9.)  Glare at the humans when they come home smelling like a strange dog or cat.

10.)  When the humans have been gone for longer than a couple hours, sit on them and growl when they try to get up.  This is a huge transgression and they must be held accountable!

Thanks for reading, and I’ll be back with day 7 soon!



BEDS Day 5: Cracker-less s’mores

I’m super exhausted and hurty tonight, so this will be quick.  Today at the barbecue with my mom and stepdad, we all came up with the idea of sandwiching a marshmallow between two pieces of chocolate, due to the graham cracker hostage situation I mentioned yesterday.  IMG_0463IMG_0464We all forgot that chocolate can melt until the chocolate started melting from the marshmallow heat!

See you tomorrow for day 6!

BEDS Day 4: Thrift Store Finds and Graham Cracker Hostages!

So far my BEDS posts have been more anecdotal than tackling major issues, but I guess I’m okay with that.  I think I need a break from writing about chronic illness and whatnot.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very important to write about those things, and I plan to do so once BEDS is over, but I won’t force myself to do it before then.

Today I went to the thrift store with the hubs.  It’s one of many places I’m not allowed to go “just to look.”  But seeing as we donated five bags of stuff and only walked out of the store with one, I think I did okay!  IMG_0460The pictures were $8.50 (top) and $2.50, compared to their original prices of $35 and $10.  Scarves were $2.50 each.  Huzzah for bargains!  (Side note: The fact that I am using words like “huzzah” in sentences means I have lived with my hubs too long! :P)

Tomorrow, the hubs and I are having a barbecue with my mom and stepdad.  I was going to bring gluten-free graham crackers for s’mores, but that’s out the window since the graham crackers are being held hostage in our building’s office.  I ordered the crackers on Amazon Prime on Friday right after the idea of s’mores came to me.  However, I totally forgot that a) the staff is rarely in the office on the weekends in the summer because that is when they have the most people moving in and out, and b) the office will be closed tomorrow so I can’t pick up the graham crackers then.  Whooda thunk there was this much to write about graham crackers?

I hope everyone is having a safe and fun holiday weekend, and I’ll be back tomorrow for day 5!

BEDS Day 2: Coconut chips are a thing!

This morning I was watching a monthly favorites video on YouTube.  This woman was raving about coconut chips.  I love coconut and I always need more ideas for gluten free snacks, so I may have hopped onto Amazon and there may be some en route as we speak.  Which I guess proves the idea that parents should be judicious about what their kids see on the internet, lest they get ideas! :p

Also, it’s officially Pumpkin Spice Season!  I’m not a huge fan of cold pumpkin flavored drinks, but I love warmer pumpkin drinks and I love anything pumpkin spice scented.  I found out that there is such a thing as pumpkin spice lip balm, so now I just need to find an organic version!

For anyone who thinks I’m weird for liking Pumpkin Spice Season, I want to remind you of 2 things: 1.) I spent half the summer in a furnace and need all the fall things I can get, and 2.) there are people who like golf and football and all kinds of things that are waaaay weirder than Pumpkin Spice Season! :p

Thanks for reading, and I’ll be back for day 3!



Still Alive and Kicking!

Hey everyone, I wanted to let you know that I’m still alive and kicking! (Literally, seeing as I have Restless Leg Syndrome! :p)

It’s been a rough couple of weeks on my end.  My neck of the woods is at the tail end of a 14+ day heat wave, on top of receiving a diagnosis of POTS. (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome.)  My POTS diagnosis really needs a post unto itself, but I probably won’t get around to that quite away.  Once the heat wave ends, I really need to catch up on all the cleaning and organizing that I was going to do right before my body and the weather decided I needed to be allergic to gravity on top of everything else!

I was going to hold off on writing any more posts until I was up for writing about my POTS diagnosis in more detail.  But I realized that I really miss blogging.  Then I realized that every time I think about blogging, I think about that line from the movie “Julie and Julia” where Julie says, “I could do a blog!  I have thoughts!”

Here are some of my thoughts at the moment:

1.) I love purple pens

2.) I wish I could wear deep purple without looking dead.

3) Spirituality can be complicated.  Bloomin’ complicated.  Effing complicated.  Blooming effing complicated!  Anyone who says they have all their spiritual crap together has probably been smoking something.

4.) I just watched a documentary about Legos.  Yes, you read that right.  Said documentary is awesome and you need to see it.  And we all need to build with Legos.

5.)  Legos are cathartic and health insurance should cover all the Legos I want.

6.)  There is a major dried mango disappearance epidemic in my house.  I suspect foul play.  If my previous cat was still alive I would accuse her in a heartbeat.  She was beyond diabolical and could have totally gotten in the cupboards if she wanted to.  Okay, so maybe it’s more of a dried mango addiction than a disappearance problem.  But dried mango is a much better addiction than some.  (If someone made me go to Mangoholics Anonymous, I would totally eat dried mango slices during the meetings.  Just saying.)

Okay, I’m getting major brain fog and have the concentration of lime Jell-o, so I’m going to call it a blog post and keep daydreaming about all the Legos I want.  Hope everyone is doing well and staying cool!


A Big Bang Theory-Style Review of My Week

I thought I would share a few highlights from the past week.  I had a ton of fun writing my last Big Bang Theory-style post in December, so I wanted to write another one.  Here ya go!

The Fitbit Miscalculation:

I’ve been using a Fitbit most days for several months.  (I’ve been asked why I don’t wear it on days I’m using my wheelchair, and that’s because it counts wheeling as steps.)  I love this thing.  I’ve been able to track my sleep and set step goals.  Well, one day the count seemed abnormally high by my usual standards.  Like, more than double my normal average.  I got an email notification saying I’d earned a badge, and I could not figure out what was going on.  After practicing piano, I figured it out:  The fitbit was tracking the wrist movements of piano and cello playing!  Huzzah for killer finger workouts!

The Abominable Misjudgment:

The hubs and I have been LOVING “Sherlock.”  I even knitted a Sherlock doll once, because give me one good reason why Benedict Cumberbatch shouldn’t be immortalized in yarn!  The most recent episode is set in Victorian England, just like the original books, and it’s called “The Abominable Bride.”  It was amazingly well done!  However, agreeing to watch it after dark proved to be an abominable misjudgment on my part, let me tell you!  I am so ridiculously jumpy.  You’d think I would have learned my lesson after watching the 25th anniversary Albertville Hall production of “Phantom of the Opera” alone on a stormy night in October, but apparently not!

The Sal-Gar Recollection:

I went in for a dental exam a few months ago, and it was suggested that I use this prescription mouthwash stuff.  (My fibro and fibro meds make my mouth drier than the movie “Doctor Zhivago”.)  Between work stuff, health stuff, and ranting about corrupt politicians, I completely forgot about ordering the mouthwash.  I couldn’t for the life of me remember the name of it, but I remembered that it had the name “sal” in it.  I wracked my brain and decided that “sal-gar” sounded about right, so I gave the dental office a call.  “Sal-gar” sounded familiar, but I couldn’t remember where I heard it.  After I called them and got it sorted out, it hit me that “sal-gar” was the combination of salt and sugar that Leslie Knope (played by Amy Poeler) put on her pasta in “Parks and Recreation.”  Turns out I was pretty close.  It’s called Nutrisal which is probably better for teeth than coating them in salt and sugar.  (Side note #1: if you haven’t seen “Parks and Recreation”, you need to.  Side note #2:  I want a mini horse.  If you’ve seen “Parks and Recreation”, you will get that reference.  If you haven’t seen it, watch it pronto so then you will get the reference and also want a mini horse!)




Love-Hate Relationship

Sorry I’ve been so incommunicado. Health stuff has been kicking my butt yet again. There is so much I want to say about the stigma of physical illness and traditional medicine, but that will have to wait until I know which end of me is up.

I’ve been doing the “Love/Hate updates” when I want to write but have no idea what to write about. But lately I’ve been thinking about the things that I both love and hate at the same time, so without further ado, here is my List of Things I Both Love And Hate:

1.) My Hair

I love how it’s finally growing back after I lost a bunch of it to a medical treatment for my endometriosis. I hate how indecisive I am about how short I do or don’t want to cut it while the rest of it grows back. I hate how thick and rebellious it is. I could really relate to Merida in “Brave”, let’s put it that way.

2.) The mind-body connection

I love how practicing mindfulness has a positive effect. I hate how emotional stress kills my appetite and makes me want to toss my cookies.

3.) Traditional medicine

I love how my odds of dying of smallpox, scarlet fever, whooping cough, polio, etc, is slim to none. I love how there are more treatment options available than ever before. I hate it when doctors don’t admit they don’t know something. I also hate it when people who don’t know anything get paranoid about side effects when they don’t understand that sometimes diseases themselves are worse than side effects.

4.) Alternative medicine

I love how some alternative treatments can reduce my use of pain meds and other traditional treatments. I really love herbal tea. It’s my new coffee, since I can’t have coffee anymore. I hate how under-researched alternative medicine is. I hate that many doctors shun it simply because they don’t understand it and get all hung up on “non-FDA approved” and whatnot.

5.) Asthma meds

I love how they help me breathe. Breathing is a really really good thing. You don’t fully appreciate it until your lungs cop an attitude. I hate how every inhaler out there tastes like burnt rubber. We’ve created vaccines, invented lightbulbs, put people on the moon, and yet we still haven’t invented an inhaler that doesn’t taste like burnt rubber. Go figure!

Okay, that’s about all I have energy for today. Hope you’re all having a wonderful Thursday!

String Cheese Rant

Right now I’m going dairy-free because my intestines have decided that if it comes out of something that says moo, they don’t like it.  (Digestive issues are pretty common with endometriosis, unfortunately.)I guess you could say my intestines are anti-bovine.  I was doing okay with this no-dairy business until I realized something absolutely, completely, totally, utterly horrific.

String cheese is dairy.

As in, it has moo-juice in it.

As in, I. Can’t. Have. It.

My intestines are all, “No string cheese for you!” like that annoying soup Nazi on “Seinfeld.”

This wouldn’t be a problem if I hated string cheese.  But the way I feel about string cheese is the complete opposite of hate.  I’m craving string cheese.  When I say I’m craving string cheese, I mean I want string cheese like Gandhi wanted peace.

Sometimes I write about more profound things.  And sometimes I just really want string cheese. :p