It’s 2016. I graduated from high school 10 years ago. My brain doesn’t know what to do with that. But I digress.
I saw the fibro doc yesterday. I have to be honest: doctor’s appointments make me pretty anxious these days. It’s not like I’m terrified of needles or anything like that. At this point I’m so used to them that they’re no more painful than bug bites. (It probably helps that the Great Vein Explosion of ’15 toughened me up a bit!) It’s more about the lack of control over my body. Doctor’s appointments feel like a big neon sign that says, “Ha ha! Look at her! Her body’s broken!” I’ve always felt different. Hearing aids, being learning disabled, and wearing modest clothing in a world of Victoria’s Secret models will do that to a person. But I am so used to those differences by now, and they’re either positive or neutral. I have yet to find anything positive about having a body that doesn’t feel like bodying. Everyone my age is getting married, having babies, going back to school, getting promoted, and I’m over here jumping for joy because I successfully walked backwards in my last PT session.
I also hate doctor’s appointments because I am just so sick of medical stuff in general. At least it’s better than when I was on Lupron in that I actually have energy for a handful of non-medical activities. I had to stop watching “Call the Midwife”. When I’m not actually in a clinic or hospital, I don’t want to be thinking about that stuff, if that makes any sense.
I struggled with anxiety long before my body copped an attitude. Frankly, most of my loved ones were well-intentioned but completely misguided when it came to helping me manage my anxiety. People think telling an anxious person that there’s “nothing to be afraid of” is a good idea, but in reality it will backfire every time. In my situation, there are plenty of legitimate concerns. You can’t tell me I have nothing to be afraid of. It’s not about pretending you don’t have fears. It’s about looking at them and saying ,”Okay, what can I reasonably do to prevent this?” I let go of fearful thoughts a lot quicker when I have the freedom to express them and let them go.